TOUGH - classs ramble n a bit of an idea for a play?

Note: this is an idea, but will probably go on the backburner for a bit as I have so many projects to be getting on with, but had some ideas and thoughts so thought to just dump them here and have a bit of a freewrite. Hopefully Ill collect more ideas gradually and develop it that way and then eventually just smahs it out. Really been into writing lately as mylappy top is fixed and I can just smash shit out in google docs. have an essay im gonna finish soon about Rooms.

the class system . money but also socially. 

 monologues !! been thinking of them for a while and was so interesting to see how a play functioned with one actor!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! characters that weren't really there but she would speak to, worked extremely well. The way the audience is also involved as its kinda directed towards them but also not at all - without the expectation of a response/not a panto.

the class system ! so relatable personally. even tho im not in law work stuff, in the arts/media/big boy industries. 

The class system in the UK is really smthn thats really affected me, so i really liked to see this topic explored on stage

Also forgot to say interesting thing about prima facie was the food she ate was v working class staples which i appreciated - pot noodle, chipsticks lol

Then a while ago or so (idk how long) I was thinking about the word Tough/Rough in association with class. Sometimes shit happens and its tough, and youre brain tries to work out a solution but u just know its tough and you have to get on with it.

like sometime something happens, and your brain has a process. 1st is the realisation of what has happened , ffs, why, etc, then your brain reels , flicking through ways to help, ways to cope, ways to fix it all, take back control. But then, sometimes, when there isnt any solutions, its out of your control, and you know its just tough. tough fucking shit. and as soon as that word appears in your mind with the realisation, your brains already accepted it. its tough. It comes with a sort of jarring peace. 
Sometimes you cant talk about, sometimes people cant do anything to help. Its just tough
^^bulk out more make dramaticccc

write tough monologue/play?? like make descriptive thing on how ur mind eventually lands on ... its just TOUGH . idk if I can do it(get good job pretend to be posh?) but I don't wanna b poor lol

GEt good job. Around people and i can see everythin I would need to do and how easy it really could be. Its not impressive to be successful at all and as you get into these spaces with these kinds of people you realise its not what its amped up to be, people pretending to be important. Biting at the chance to obtain any sort of authority or control that they can. 

I dont know if i can do it. - realisation.

But also if i dont ill be working forever. adn i think i could do something good. But i don't thin i could live like that. Become someone im not, and pretend to be better than i am.

I wanna write some sort of monologue thing from the notes/ideas above perhaps . but I dont want it to be too much/tongue in cheeek /stereotype. maybe acn navigate it around something else too, so two themes instead of one, or the one theme but focus on a more refined/different narrative.?

Like ik i can become successful n ik im gonna make good stuff n put it out there n stuff. Like ik i can, but also know that the class system will get u when it wants u.

social identity. idk if I can adapt to those sort of ways. 

 ppl like to feel important blog post im going to write. talking professionally,  can also combine some of roman a clef ideas/themes. like feeling like a class traitor idk? 

People like to feel IMPORTNT:

Realised ppl get off on having authority and feeling like a grown up . I have 3 distinct moments where i think this was so prominent :

1. When I was looking for a job and was at the job centre, I had to go for this interview and I could tell/cant remember if she said that this was her first time interviewing people, and she was soooo excited about it. Felt v professional and like an Adult. A Real Grown Up!! 

I remember at 6th form my english teacher telling us that if someone needs a teacher comment/referal (or something like that i cant remember what it was) for uni , she just does it, bc she doesnt know whats going on in their life and who is she to be someone to change the direction of someones entire life??? like thats so true, so so true. 
I often think of that at work. Companies act woke but at the end of the day, they are the employer and carry a substantial amount of power in altering the direction and sturdity (is that a worD?) of my life. Like if someones going to affect your business of course youd have to fire them, but then where do they go? Like you dont have a choice, if youre playing the game, youre playing it. If speaking up about minorities issue wasnt a good thing,would they stil do it? if it would affect their funders wol they speak up as loudly?

this brings us round to my 2nd  moment:

2. when i started on myfirst day had to try get pizza and my boss was like call some places and tell them were a CIC and about our company and i Tried i really did, but i CANT do that. I cant speak that way, WTF> literally insane so so crazy the way people speak, even when i hear people on Important phone calls I can tell by the intonation of their voice, and i just think have people ever thought about just calming down! I sound really Mardy but i feel i need to be dramatic to get my point across bc sometimes its so insane.

3 This ones actually funny. I was watching Come dine with me with my mum sometime last year, and she said something about Parma ham, googled it and its prosciutto. She then got into a story about how she had it once at a dinner party, and I was like omg when did you go to a dinner party, and she said her Mates brother had one bc he thought he was posh, and he thought he was posh bc he was the manager at MORRISONS!!!. .......... 

... ..

...

 MORRISONS!!!   hahahaha jesus christ 

poor people dont know theyre poor. and rich./middlecalss dont know what its like to live in poor commuities. people think so differently an have no idea of each side if that makes any sense.

Also its kinda crzy n mayb its just me being superstitious kinda but i think i have a lot of Staple/Defining memories. Like the ones above like they sit solidly in ideas n stuff?? 
A few stuff from when i was a teeny tiny kid I still remember still seem so relelvant even now in my life n cary similar themes n seem to come in full circles (not in a bad, back to the beginning way)

I just really dont care about any of all that!!!! but at the same time being poor is so boring, but isnt everything really. Crave some sort of motion? like i wanna be doing stuff, gogogo . 
I wanna dance,n feel things , see art i like by people i like. maybe also after top surgery I can feel more real and actually work on shit internally etc?

Class strugglezz? 
soemtimes question my subconscious is out to get me?/being self destructive, or does this idea of success so ingrained that at times it can seem nice and or attainable? Whats the ifference and whee s the line. 

I wouldn't mind being and navigating within the creative industries. I dont think making money off your art etc or getting into an industry makes you a bad person, especially when the alternatives aren't that great either. However, I think Im finding and realising how difficult some people are to be around. Its actually astounding and kinda sad, how ive noticed people just like to feel inportant/feel good when they get a tiny taste of authority. Even people who would call themselves woke/liberal.
I question whether people are doing it for the art, or whether they just want to feel cool and important and professional and grown up. EG remember when I was walking about in northern quater n i think i walked past a student film shoot at a takeaway place and EVERYONE of them had their phones out filming it. Illusion of legitimacy. Feel Legit and Cool. I feel like theres a better word but i cant think, But hopefully you know what i mean. People feel Fancy when they think they're doing things/making things or whatever properly. its the same as the feeling important thing.
If u wanna b cool just b cool ya.

At the same time, I often wonder whether Im setting up for my own demise. I could probably do better and 'make something for myself' and I think sometimes when people hear about my job i think they think Im too comfortable, settled, and that time will pass me by and Ill realise that i should have done something better with my time, or got a better job, made more money, etc etc. 
I think money is hard to attain for sure, but I now feel like I know how easy it is to become successful in the performance way. Often i think success is just looking like youre doing something or doing lots of things and making people aware youre doing things, when in reality it doesnt really matter.

I could be setting myself up for failure, as it is definitely easier to tell yourself you don't want something if its unattainable.

Sometimes I think i know and the clarity is Sooooooooooooo clear it makes me feel like im on fire. And ik i know somethings people only get when they're older but at the same time i know nothing at all and have a fair share of idealism (and likely nihilism) within me

I think I do eventually wanna make money off the things I make, but I just dont think I want to do it in the way Ive been told I should in a 21st century way. I know I can make good things and then do stuff with that - find somewhere to put exhibitons on or self publish, etc , and I mainly wanna meet cool people and make cool things etc etc . Also it would be loads helpful to have a bit of moneymoney from it as it would allow me to be a lot more productive and work more proficiently. 

Not ticking boxes really is the story of my life unfortunately.

I hope this all makes sense, bc sometimes it just drives me mad with the way things work, its literally insane.