night night night sat 9th julyy

So restless 2 night. Anxiety has been  Here .. she's not paying rent tho..
I started reading the rest of my dissertation as I got halfway thru rereading it 2day and then started typing on blog n i think since having a job n having to get up early, When i feel like this/restless I just have to try sleep bc I cant fuck my sleep pattern up but usually what happens is I end up either laying in bed for hours not sleeping til 2am or sometimes even later n then feel exhausted at work anyway... Workin away on stuff has made me feel loads better already. its like agitation/adrenaline? i have no clue tho. Reminds me, The other day/often I think about how with art n projects n stuff I really just need to absolutely rinse thru some stuff n obsessively do it, one main example would be 35mm film like ik i just need to take a shit ton but who tf has the money, make dozens of abstacty painty stuff n i think that would be a good cure for everything right now. 

Hesitation n art. My brain all eggy??? Like hesitation is bad 4 art, commit to the bit. Sometimes I wonder holding back look stupid but what does that even mean... Ik top surgery wont fix everythin but hopin itll help the relationship with body, and by that i mean hopefully ill actually start to feel like im inside of it n less floaty? Buy my body back. like i remember when my body started to feel Funky when i was like 13 or smthn n i didnt kno why my arms just kinda felt weird/like how ur arm/hand feels when u touch smthn funky in the fridge n u wish u could remove ur entire arm from your body.
I need to be more open but i hate it so much so so much. idk if i can. . sometimes at work ppl are besties n shit n its weird. I dont rlly wanna talk to people bc some ppl u just dont click with ygm. but also ik i act weird sometimes haha. 

thoughts on death (not so morbid)
poem i wrote for the radio thing. line was 'kills me, but is my saviour' about arttttt. bc When i tihnk of the whole idea of making the best of ur life n people say if u had 6 months to live what would u do/would u live any differently. N the main thing i think id be annoyed about is tying up loose projects etc. I think of people that arent into art n honestly i dont know how I would survive without it as its the only thing I can feel I should be doing and gives me some sort of 'purpose', but at the same time it drives me absolutely mental bc the feeling of not being able to finish something or get it right should be a crime or when u just havent got the time to do stuff, my brain just fills up with everythin n it needs emptying so then my todo list just gets longer n longer. lmao. also makes me feel weird sometimes bc if i could do the normal career nuclear family shit would be a lot easier i guess...

How many artists died mid book/painting/whatever. Kinda insane. Life is just one big to do list u never get to finish!
Thinking Also about how the 'Peak' way to die is when ur old n in ur sleep, BUT I feel as a species we spend so much time thinking about death in the sense of what happens - to live is to die - and theres books and artworks and whole religions based off the question of what death is and what happens etc, so I think if I died in my sleep I would be lowkey pissed off (and i wouldnt even be able to be pissed off bc id be dead!) because all this life and the question of death - a thing most only experience once- and I miss it. Sleep through it!! Dont get me wrong, would prefer to not have a painful death, but I Am Nosy and want to know whats going on on my death day. hopefully will b a long time in the future tho obvs.

Another brand new thought.. maybe could make into a poem or somethin, But on the subject of death. 'to live is to die' if u live then u die. Funny, bc if you think about it being born is just a death sentence. Like by being born you get handed a sentence. Arguably, theres a fine line between being born/life and capital punishment and deaths row. People sit on deaths row for years too. Feel like i could word it in a better n more interesting way though Tbh..

Notes: Maybe I'll eventually delete this, but maybe it could also help w some project-y stuff. Especially the death bit as had a line ((poem) going for some time that literally slaps so hard i swear but its just been floating about one paper/notebook/my brain as I dont really know what Im going to do with it..