thought dump

5thJan
 thinking wouldnt be mad if i became a lecturer or smthn at some point. but gotta have more education n idk if i want to pay all that money for basic education

i do miss being a student but idk what course i would do as i want to do a lot of things: literature? painting? philosophy?

3rdJan 
no really someone tell me what lol.

even tho i wote my diss on it its still all up in the air n i havent yet managed to get ahold of it n feel not so unhinged about it.

thts why wana use this blog more again, bc i think it will give photos n shit a sense of being finished. like mini series n to 'publish' it somewhere gives u a sens eof reward n acomplishment

gratification

30thDEC 

thinkin bout the validity of art and tryna come up with ways to make myself feel more acomplished when doin smthnnn. bc art is an ongoing thing its difficult to get the gratification u get from other stuff.

gonna use this to dump on but also my values n priorities is art but 1. what even is that and 2. to do that u need to actually live life/socialise as i think ive come to the conclusion in the back of my mind that the whole motion of being alive and making art is It. ???

but also bc i have next to no money and my main goal 4 the last 4 yrs or so has been top surgery, i always try obsessively save n feel terrible 4 buyin anything/most things including food lol. but obviously a lot of projects im working on i need to buy shit for them n it just sucks as its so much more difficult to find momentum to 'work' when u have no money or space or supplies etc. like i have to do everything the long way round n its lowkey frustrating but im werkin on it i guesss. another example is that i wanted to develop some film but i wanna buy the chemicals n stuff myself but thats quite a solid/big investestment lmao. 

the only thing that makes u feel accomplished would b maybe selling  or gallery but to sell it u need to do so much shit. like if i wanna make a print i have to scan it or take a photo bc i havent got a scanner, spend like 1hr maybe editing it in photoshop to sell it for like 4quid or smthn, idek ! no point rlly tbh.

done alot of doodles too that are solid within themselves n i always thing oh could do smthn with that, but can never think what as paitning feels exessive sometimes and its better as a line drawing in the end. 

28DEC2020: 

diss. want to turn it into an essay, but im struggling to notice the difference between academic essays and published ones that i know of. the published ones dont tend to have references/bibliographies like dissertations do. i think my dissertation could function without quotes n references but i have no clue what makes an essay able to stand alone like that?

another thing is that i think its dissappointing how through school etc the way we are taught to write essays academically is so so tragic. it seems to base on the logic and rigidity that is probably professionalism, where as the best published essays ive read usually are written in a creative and almost poetic manner, as well as being understandable

room of ones own
myth of sisyphus
kandinsky

28|DEC|2020

how can i feel so optimistic yet so terrible??? 
like thought id feel better comin home for xmas n now i think id feel better in manc. am i just unhappy everywhere and constantly running from everything? but i also guess that every space has its own disfunctionality, unless u have access to different spaces like MONEy

was sat, depressed, holding a fresh new tea and a fly went into it. total nightmare. !!

have a few goals that i started thinking of when i moved to manc in october since my tenancy was a yr thought it would be a good idea to think of some things to reflect on by the end of it, but took me a while to settle in and now its the end of the yr so may as well make them 2021 goals.

think im gonna use this blog more bc its nice to dump shit into the void and ik the few ppl who might see it so who cares tbh.

wanna work on more stuff.

poverty. shits broke like laptop n camera n etc want chemicals to develop film but idk bc money and need to get going on finishing deldramas bc idk how long til my adobe student prescription runs out n without it itll b 60quid a month lmao. no chance m8
feel shit tbh. miss my friends lol. its just not the same. studpid covid n governemnt

covid is givin me so much anxietyyyy. also feel like a shit person in general lmao. went home 4 xmas n just sat in my room 

roommate does my head in ngl.

lowkey feel so rotten inside but dont know why. 
been watching therapy vids/podcasts lmao n although theyre calming n helpful i think, its just making me realise more messy shit lmao

should write about it but i cant sit n watch or read or write n need to keep myself busy all day so i dont fold inwards for the evening.

got a lot of books 4 xmas so hoping i can start reading obsessively like i did as a child ? 

dont think any1 ive spoken to understands that i dont want money??? idk if that makes sense. want some things but dont have general desire for money. ??
but a general amount of money/success gives u access to productivity.

therapy, think it would help feel less unhinged?