an art crisis? oh no not ANoThEr OnE

Suprise Suprise, Avery is going through another little art crisis. idk what im doing, if im even doing anything at all, and whether its even any good. 

I really want to keep working on an finishing delicate dramas but i just dont have the space - mentally and physically to do it, and its really bugging me 

Life really gets in the way of making stuff and over the past week or 2 ive been quite struggling. By struggling i mean my body and mind is exhausted and i need to spend a bit of time building my energy back up, but im moving (AGAIN!!!!: ) at the beginning of MArch and im going to be living on my own, so i am really hoping to be able to have a functional living space and turn my living room into a studio space rather than my entire room being a whirlpool of semi finished paintings, art supplies, and things like socks and trousers thrown about. 

I feel i really need to cook myself something nice and do some baking so also when i move i can do that as i think that will be really healing.

Thoughts i scrawled down last night:

need to give myself the benefit of the doubt! for example a lot of things i want to do involving making and existing, relies upon things being open. like charity shops to get materials and clothes to print on, and art/print shops as i like to look at the equipment and think about what im buying. online you cant really see it properly and also shipping is an extra cost.

Did i get twisted up in the idea of being an artist? than than just being one? idk, art, like life, is immeasurable, i guess.

what is it to be an artist? I feel like i have the heart of a writer and the soul of a poet, but i dont 'produce' as much art as I'd like to. altho all i think about is art. 

my main fascination with being an 'artist' stems from my love and adoration of idols and idk whether im trying to be like them, or replicate the way the make me feel?

So. What DO i want? community, late night drinks at familar dodgy places. 
the more people i meet, the more i realise people either suck or people all have their own dreams of replicating this idea of being appreciated and fame. 
people who are arses and people also make art so what makes that more or less valuable and are we all just the same?

Am I just a gimmick and a wanna be? romanticising something to feel more important and valuable to myself and to the ecosystem around me?

Was also thinking maybe i didnt realising bc growing up we never really did a lot. I remember one time i went bowling with my family and my mum was like ' oh people go bowling' as in people go out and do things with their evening and dont just go out for special occassions. 
Is this linked to class or my personal family dynamic? maybe both, maybe neither.

Also back to shoddy places and cheap garbage; all independent places are now expensive hipster-y middle class niche ones. I am lucky to remember run down shops when i was younger before the likes of amazon and online shopping took over. 

I woke up late today (30thJan) and i've managed to paint a coat hanger i made a bit while listening to a patti smith podcast. She spoke about a 'calling' to be an artist and i found it interesting.

I guess I'm just questioning my own ego and art a lot, so i feel its good to dump all that thinking process somewhere.